A friend emailed me this; I felt compelled to post it up... Just something that we all wanted to do, but never had the encouragement...
I have always been a worrier. Someone who is very afraid of consequences from my decisions. I want to break free from that, and be confident in what I feel is right. Life is a learning process, and I am learning at a very fast pace in the past six months compared to what I'm used to. Still building my confident about life (after being smashed around for years), and to do so, I'm building knowledge of everything around me, emotionally, spiritually, physically and life as a whole.
I hope this inspires you too...
The Purpose Driven Life, by Rick Warren
Don't date because you are desperate
Don't marry because you are miserable
Don't have kids because you think your genes are superior
Don't philander because you think you are irresistable
Don't associate with people you can't trust
Don't cheat. Don't lie. Don't pretend
Don't dictate because you are smarter
Don't demand because you are stronger
Don't sleep around because you think you are old enough and know better
Don't hurt your kids because loving them is harder
Don't sell yourself, your family, or your ideals
Don't stagnate
Don't regress
Don't live in the past. Time can't bring anything or anyone back
Don't put your life on hold for possibly Mr. Right
Don't throw your life away on absolutely Mr. Wrong because your biological clock is ticking
Learn a new skill
Find a new friend
Start a new career
Sometimes, there is no race to be won, only a price to be paid for some of life's more hasty decisions
To terminate your loneliness, reach out to the homeless
To feed your nurturing instincts, care for the needy
To fulfil your parenting fantasies, get a puppy
Don't bring another life into this world for all the wrong reasons
To make yourself happy, pursue your passions and be the best of what you can be
Simplify your life. Take away the clutter
Get rid of destructive elements: abusive friends, nasty habits, and dangerous liaisons
Don't abandon your responsibilities but don't overdose on duty
Don't live life recklessly without thought and feeling for your family
Be true to yourself
Don't commit when you are not ready
Don't keep others waiting needlessly
Go on that trip. Don't postpone it
Say those words. Don't let the moment pass
Do what you have to, even at society's scorn
Write poetry
Love deeply
Walk barefoot
Dance with wild abandon
Cry at the movies
Take care of yourself. Don't wait for someone to take care of you
You light up your life
You drive yourself to your destination
No one completes you - except YOU
It isn't true that life does not get easier with age
It only gets more challenging
Don't be afraid. Don't lose your capacity to love
Pursue your passions
Live your dreams
Don't lose faith in God
Don't grow old. Just grow YOU
When you give someone your time, you are giving them a portion of your life that you'll never get back
Your time is your life. That is why the greatest girt you can give to someone is your time
Relationships take time and effort, and the best way to spell love is T-I-M-E because the essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves
Showing posts with label Philosophy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Philosophy. Show all posts
August 25, 2007
May 30, 2007
A walk in London
Walking aimlessly on the streets of London for 4 hours certainly does some good to me.
Wasn't feeling very well earlier today. The company doctor made a house call to the hotel, gave me some medicine, and I went to sleep. Woke up feeling pretty much the same, and something terrible came to mind as well. So I decided to take a walk with a friend of mine who happened to be in London at the same time as me.
The day was looking good when suddenly the rain came pouring down. Huddled together in a corner by the sidewalk, we decided to go to the cafe next door. After our coffee, we went our own ways because he needs to get back to the hotel to get to work.
Left alone, with nothing to do, I decided to take a walk. So I walked, walked, walked. With no particular place in mind, I walked.
During this four hours walk, a lot of things came up in my mind. Passed by a church, made a little prayer, please show me the way to live my life. My mind was asking again and again, where was the girl I used to love? Where is Cassandra? Casey? Cass? The girl that I most revered, was gone the moment that incident happened. It was such a dramatic turning point that when I now looked at it, I am lost for words. Can Cass be brought back to life? Will Cass be able to change things?
As I walked further and further away from the cafe where I splitted up with my friend, the rain started again. Hurriedly looking for shade, Cass' words rang in my ears, "Yennie, why are you running from the rain? What is wrong with walking under the rain? Getting drenched under the rain is perfectly normal. Let's walk under the rain, shall we?" And there was Cass' hand stretched out in front of my eyes.
Most of you will not know who Cass is, but she is someone who is very, very close to me. Some of you might have heard of her, but if not, it is not important. This is just one of those very often rambling thoughts of mine. My close friend for more than 3 years, she is now gone. So fragile are our dreams. Our existence is nothing but a flicker of candle, and yet, we give way to broken dreams.
If given a second chance, I'm not sure if Cass will choose the same path, or will she make another choice? But there is no second chance in life, I must come to terms with that. The only thing that I can do now, is to continue living with her spirit, continuining the once brightly lit candle, bringing all her hopes and dreams to life into this world.
Rest in peace Cass, I will carry your burden now.
Thank YOU, for showing me the way to live by sending Cass.
Wasn't feeling very well earlier today. The company doctor made a house call to the hotel, gave me some medicine, and I went to sleep. Woke up feeling pretty much the same, and something terrible came to mind as well. So I decided to take a walk with a friend of mine who happened to be in London at the same time as me.
The day was looking good when suddenly the rain came pouring down. Huddled together in a corner by the sidewalk, we decided to go to the cafe next door. After our coffee, we went our own ways because he needs to get back to the hotel to get to work.
Left alone, with nothing to do, I decided to take a walk. So I walked, walked, walked. With no particular place in mind, I walked.
During this four hours walk, a lot of things came up in my mind. Passed by a church, made a little prayer, please show me the way to live my life. My mind was asking again and again, where was the girl I used to love? Where is Cassandra? Casey? Cass? The girl that I most revered, was gone the moment that incident happened. It was such a dramatic turning point that when I now looked at it, I am lost for words. Can Cass be brought back to life? Will Cass be able to change things?
As I walked further and further away from the cafe where I splitted up with my friend, the rain started again. Hurriedly looking for shade, Cass' words rang in my ears, "Yennie, why are you running from the rain? What is wrong with walking under the rain? Getting drenched under the rain is perfectly normal. Let's walk under the rain, shall we?" And there was Cass' hand stretched out in front of my eyes.
Most of you will not know who Cass is, but she is someone who is very, very close to me. Some of you might have heard of her, but if not, it is not important. This is just one of those very often rambling thoughts of mine. My close friend for more than 3 years, she is now gone. So fragile are our dreams. Our existence is nothing but a flicker of candle, and yet, we give way to broken dreams.
If given a second chance, I'm not sure if Cass will choose the same path, or will she make another choice? But there is no second chance in life, I must come to terms with that. The only thing that I can do now, is to continue living with her spirit, continuining the once brightly lit candle, bringing all her hopes and dreams to life into this world.
Rest in peace Cass, I will carry your burden now.
Thank YOU, for showing me the way to live by sending Cass.
May 26, 2007
Wants and Needs
what you have might not be what you want
what you want might not be what you need
Sounds familiar?
Everyone has different wants and needs. It all depends on how much the wants and needs drive a person to do things in a certain way or direction.
My wants and needs has always been intertwined. I can never recognize which is which. I have always been confused with my wants, thinking it is my needs, or thought that my needs are my wants.
So now I have come to a point where I realised that those things I've driven myself crazy to get, are not exactly the things that I need. Those are things that I want, or perceive to need. Funny how things turn out when I step aside and critically look at my current life.
A lot of things that I fought for, I got it, but now that I have it, I begin to wonder, do I really need it? Or is it just another want in my greedy heart?
Then, there are the things that I am still fighting for. I have not gotten it, but I'm beginning to ask myself, is it worth all the tears and sweat to get it? Do I really want it? Do I need it? Can I live without it?
These questions are driving me crazy, but these are the same issues that are pushing me to work so hard, that really motivates me to keep going, not matter how tough the situations are. The one and only REAL question is, is it really worth all the effort?
what you want might not be what you need
Sounds familiar?
Everyone has different wants and needs. It all depends on how much the wants and needs drive a person to do things in a certain way or direction.
My wants and needs has always been intertwined. I can never recognize which is which. I have always been confused with my wants, thinking it is my needs, or thought that my needs are my wants.
So now I have come to a point where I realised that those things I've driven myself crazy to get, are not exactly the things that I need. Those are things that I want, or perceive to need. Funny how things turn out when I step aside and critically look at my current life.
A lot of things that I fought for, I got it, but now that I have it, I begin to wonder, do I really need it? Or is it just another want in my greedy heart?
Then, there are the things that I am still fighting for. I have not gotten it, but I'm beginning to ask myself, is it worth all the tears and sweat to get it? Do I really want it? Do I need it? Can I live without it?
These questions are driving me crazy, but these are the same issues that are pushing me to work so hard, that really motivates me to keep going, not matter how tough the situations are. The one and only REAL question is, is it really worth all the effort?
An Orange An Apple
I'm sure everyone has eaten oranges and apples before. Sweet or sour, it is all the same oranges and apples. My personal preference, I don't like either because the oranges are too sour to my taste and apples are just too umm.. well, I don't like the taste.
Ever wonder, it takes a sour orange to realise how sweet an apple is? But ultimately, it's two different fruits. It doesn't make sense to compare, and yet we still do. In life it is the same. You know you can't compare the two things, and yet, you still compare. At least, that is the case with me. I'm always looking left and right, up and down, comparing, comparing.
I need to learn, an orange is an orange, apple, an apple. Afterall, there is no use comparing, it's just fruits to help us in constipation, right?
Ever wonder, it takes a sour orange to realise how sweet an apple is? But ultimately, it's two different fruits. It doesn't make sense to compare, and yet we still do. In life it is the same. You know you can't compare the two things, and yet, you still compare. At least, that is the case with me. I'm always looking left and right, up and down, comparing, comparing.
I need to learn, an orange is an orange, apple, an apple. Afterall, there is no use comparing, it's just fruits to help us in constipation, right?
November 17, 2006
The Rainbow Connection
Why are there so many songs about rainbows and what's on the other side?
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,
and rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we've been told
and some choose to believe it.
I know they're wrong
wait and see.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.
Who said that wishes would be heard and answered when wished on the morningstar?
Someone thought of that and someone believed it.
Look what it's done so far.
What's so amazing that keeps us stargazing and what do we think we might see?
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.
All of us under its spell.
We know that it's probably magic.
Have you been half asleep and have you heard voices?
I've heard them calling my name.
Is this the sweet sound that calls the young sailors?
The voice might be one and the same.
I've heard it too many times to ignore it.
It's something that I'm supposed to be.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers and me.
=The Carpenters ~ The Rainbow Connection=
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,
and rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we've been told
and some choose to believe it.
I know they're wrong
wait and see.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.
Who said that wishes would be heard and answered when wished on the morningstar?
Someone thought of that and someone believed it.
Look what it's done so far.
What's so amazing that keeps us stargazing and what do we think we might see?
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.
All of us under its spell.
We know that it's probably magic.
Have you been half asleep and have you heard voices?
I've heard them calling my name.
Is this the sweet sound that calls the young sailors?
The voice might be one and the same.
I've heard it too many times to ignore it.
It's something that I'm supposed to be.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers and me.
=The Carpenters ~ The Rainbow Connection=
November 06, 2006
Lift your glass of champagne
Expressions are necessary when all colors are grey
When all scenery is all but the same
When words that spoke of essence are gone
When all food taste like sawdust
Lift your glass of champagne, cheers to loneliness
Bid goodbye to the world of innocence
Close the chapter, roll out the carpet
Welcome to the lonely world of life
Lift your glass of champagne, and cheers
Living is the necessary evil
Where repentence is a sin
Guilt does not exist
In the hole that once housed the heart of many
Lift your glass of champagne, cheers...
When all scenery is all but the same
When words that spoke of essence are gone
When all food taste like sawdust
Lift your glass of champagne, cheers to loneliness
Bid goodbye to the world of innocence
Close the chapter, roll out the carpet
Welcome to the lonely world of life
Lift your glass of champagne, and cheers
Living is the necessary evil
Where repentence is a sin
Guilt does not exist
In the hole that once housed the heart of many
Lift your glass of champagne, cheers...
October 21, 2006
The Biggest Lie
I'm the biggest liar in the face of this earth, and the person I lie to, is myself. Every morning I wake up and I tell myself, everything is good, everything is ok, even when my heart is telling me otherwise.
I have a job that is envied by lots of people. But so what? It's not something I've wanted. It's not who I wanted to be. It's not who I am. But I went on and tell myself that I love this job. I love the travels, the perks and everything about it. I love doing nothing on most of my days. I lied to myself, and the people around me. Deep down, I am trying so hard to conceal who I really am, who I really want to be.
Not that I didn't try to break free. I took a few steps, met a few deadends, and I stopped and whine. Saying things like, heaven is not on my side, why should I force my way through? No matter how hard I try, I'm still going to fall, going to get hurt and disappointed. So why bother at all? Why don't I just wallow in self pity and never get up? That was exactly what I did. I lied to myself.
Mentally I have given up everything of who I used to be. I don't want to turn back now, I lied to myself again and again. My current life is great, it's what I really wanted after all. But do I? Do I really? Yes, I heard myself lying again.
I've failed myself and my dreams over and over again. I shall never pick myself up again.
Mum and dad, I'm trying my best, but I've failed myself as a person. I'm sorry.
I have a job that is envied by lots of people. But so what? It's not something I've wanted. It's not who I wanted to be. It's not who I am. But I went on and tell myself that I love this job. I love the travels, the perks and everything about it. I love doing nothing on most of my days. I lied to myself, and the people around me. Deep down, I am trying so hard to conceal who I really am, who I really want to be.
Not that I didn't try to break free. I took a few steps, met a few deadends, and I stopped and whine. Saying things like, heaven is not on my side, why should I force my way through? No matter how hard I try, I'm still going to fall, going to get hurt and disappointed. So why bother at all? Why don't I just wallow in self pity and never get up? That was exactly what I did. I lied to myself.
Mentally I have given up everything of who I used to be. I don't want to turn back now, I lied to myself again and again. My current life is great, it's what I really wanted after all. But do I? Do I really? Yes, I heard myself lying again.
I've failed myself and my dreams over and over again. I shall never pick myself up again.
Mum and dad, I'm trying my best, but I've failed myself as a person. I'm sorry.
August 26, 2006
Reflection by the plane's window
It's almost the end of August. Two-third of the year has passed me by. The other day when I was in London, I was on the phone with Yen Ling from that faraway place (it might be on another planet) Aberdeen, she said that 'life is like a toilet roll. The nearer you are to the end, the faster it rolls.' Can't help to agree with this cuckoo. Finally, she is making some sense.
Yet again, this post is going to be a reflection of what has happened this year. (More or less like how companies audit their financial position.. haha) This year has been an eventful year, a year full of soul-searching, endless with surprises when I least suspected it.
Right now, right here, I can proudly say that I've achieved one of my biggest dream. Which is to travel around the world, and hey, I'm only 22. I have been to a lot of places, but traveling has taught me a lot of things I never know I never know. It is a great revelation to me, because I have always been a person who never knew how to count my blessings, and now, I'm counting it.
Other dreams that I have consistently thought of coming true, is slowly coming into focus, so I can finally say that I have found the reason of my being, my destiny, as Paul Coelho would put it.
But at the moment, let's just enjoy the moment, and I'll blog more, earn more, eat more, shop more and be happy.. after all, I can only grow so much in a year right? Hahaha...
Yet again, this post is going to be a reflection of what has happened this year. (More or less like how companies audit their financial position.. haha) This year has been an eventful year, a year full of soul-searching, endless with surprises when I least suspected it.
Right now, right here, I can proudly say that I've achieved one of my biggest dream. Which is to travel around the world, and hey, I'm only 22. I have been to a lot of places, but traveling has taught me a lot of things I never know I never know. It is a great revelation to me, because I have always been a person who never knew how to count my blessings, and now, I'm counting it.
Other dreams that I have consistently thought of coming true, is slowly coming into focus, so I can finally say that I have found the reason of my being, my destiny, as Paul Coelho would put it.
But at the moment, let's just enjoy the moment, and I'll blog more, earn more, eat more, shop more and be happy.. after all, I can only grow so much in a year right? Hahaha...
June 13, 2006
It's time to wake up
"When the going gets tough, the tough gets going"
Such cliched phrase, yet it has its own truth.
I have been living in the past for too long. Every time I met someone that does not belong to my current lifestyle, I get that all too familiar feeling. "The good old times", that's what I say, all the time.
I realize it's no use dreaming about the past, about how good it was, about how badly I wanted to go back to the world that I fit into. Where I was the winner, not someone who is struggling in another world. Oh god, how long has it been since I felt good about myself?
I have been depressed, sad and beaten for the longest time... about three years and a half years since the first wave of depression hit me.
Now I tell myself, it's time to wake up. Get on with life and stop whining about how unfair fate is treating me. Now I will pave my own way and I will end up where I belong, once again. This time no matter how hard I fall, I will climb back up again, because I want to be there. I will be there.
Wish me luck!
Now now.. I know most of you are saying, FINALLY!!
Such cliched phrase, yet it has its own truth.
I have been living in the past for too long. Every time I met someone that does not belong to my current lifestyle, I get that all too familiar feeling. "The good old times", that's what I say, all the time.
I realize it's no use dreaming about the past, about how good it was, about how badly I wanted to go back to the world that I fit into. Where I was the winner, not someone who is struggling in another world. Oh god, how long has it been since I felt good about myself?
I have been depressed, sad and beaten for the longest time... about three years and a half years since the first wave of depression hit me.
Now I tell myself, it's time to wake up. Get on with life and stop whining about how unfair fate is treating me. Now I will pave my own way and I will end up where I belong, once again. This time no matter how hard I fall, I will climb back up again, because I want to be there. I will be there.
Wish me luck!
Now now.. I know most of you are saying, FINALLY!!
May 10, 2006
All I want is, EVERYTHING
Sometimes I realize that i have been asking too much from life.
Just today i was in MPH scouting for some books, then my eyes fell upon this wonderful book, titled "All i want is, EVERYTHING." But of course, I didn't buy the book (I didn't even lift the book up to read what it is all about). I don't think I need the book to remind me just how greedy I am.
Sometimes I just wonder whether I've wondered too much. I think too much about life. I ask too much from life. I want too many things that are unreachable. I basically am too absorbed in my own 'wants', too full of myself, that the world has to revolve around me. Great revelation, huh?
Not that I feel bad about it. But at times I do feel frustrated for not having what I want. Then again, this is being human, right? Not?
Do I really have to lower my expectation just to be happier in life? Do I really have to give up my dreams just because I am no exception in this human race? Why am I crying most of the time thinking that my life is just not good enough, that my life is just not moving forward? Everywhere I look is dead-end. No light at the end of the tunnel. Or maybe I just choose not to see it.
Haven't I got a job that allows me to travel the world? And get paid well for it? Haven't I have great friends that I can call my support group if I'm not happy? Haven't I have a supportive family that allows me to do whatever I chose to? Am I not much luckier than most people in this world who has to worry about their next meal? Then why the hell am I complaining so much about my life? Why the f** am I so unhappy and unsatisfied about my job?
I hate being in the condition that I am right now. An old friend that I met up with last nite said that I am no longer the girl he used to know. Where is she anyway? I am asking myself the same question. I've turned into someone who is needy, desperate and pathetic. Someone who desperately need something or someone to cling on just to survive. Lost my identity. Where is a.l.i.c.e? Where the hell is she?
I am so pathetic.
*llorar*
Just today i was in MPH scouting for some books, then my eyes fell upon this wonderful book, titled "All i want is, EVERYTHING." But of course, I didn't buy the book (I didn't even lift the book up to read what it is all about). I don't think I need the book to remind me just how greedy I am.
Sometimes I just wonder whether I've wondered too much. I think too much about life. I ask too much from life. I want too many things that are unreachable. I basically am too absorbed in my own 'wants', too full of myself, that the world has to revolve around me. Great revelation, huh?
Not that I feel bad about it. But at times I do feel frustrated for not having what I want. Then again, this is being human, right? Not?
Do I really have to lower my expectation just to be happier in life? Do I really have to give up my dreams just because I am no exception in this human race? Why am I crying most of the time thinking that my life is just not good enough, that my life is just not moving forward? Everywhere I look is dead-end. No light at the end of the tunnel. Or maybe I just choose not to see it.
Haven't I got a job that allows me to travel the world? And get paid well for it? Haven't I have great friends that I can call my support group if I'm not happy? Haven't I have a supportive family that allows me to do whatever I chose to? Am I not much luckier than most people in this world who has to worry about their next meal? Then why the hell am I complaining so much about my life? Why the f** am I so unhappy and unsatisfied about my job?
I hate being in the condition that I am right now. An old friend that I met up with last nite said that I am no longer the girl he used to know. Where is she anyway? I am asking myself the same question. I've turned into someone who is needy, desperate and pathetic. Someone who desperately need something or someone to cling on just to survive. Lost my identity. Where is a.l.i.c.e? Where the hell is she?
I am so pathetic.
*llorar*
February 11, 2006
A series of conversations. A chain of events. A trail of experiences.
I was digging up some old entries that I wrote few years back in my old website, when I come upon one article that once, used to mean a lot to me. So here I am now, trying to revive the revelation I have found when creating this once new post.
April 20, 2004 - A series of conversation. A chain of events. A trail of experiences.
"Recently, I have been exposed to a new way of looking at things. It was not a great revelation, but it enlightens me all the same.
I am grateful for all the things that happened in my way. Starting from the moment I utter the first word in my life, till right now, this moment. The good, and the bad, I am totally thankful. Without all these things happening to me, I will not understand, I will not learn, I will not appreciate.
On my first day in kindergarden, I would not learn to mix with other kids of the neighbourhood, if my parents did not let go of their hand and push me forward into the classroom. I will not understand the meaning of secrets, until my first friend betray me with her seemingly inability to keep her mouth shut. I will not appreciate the value of friendship until the first friend that asked me how I was doing when I recovered from my sickness.
I will not learn when to say things, and when to be silent when my friends are talking, if quarrels did not exist in my life. I will not understand the power of family warmth, until I came back from my first-ever outing. I will not appreciate life, if all things are never to happen in my life.
All these said, I will not be who I am today, if it is not because of the little things that happened in my life, good AND bad. Here I am now, thanking all those who has come into my life, thanking all the little things that come my way, thanking all the big things too, and thanking all those who allow me to enter their lives.
All things are connected to one another.
Things had happened, big or small, good or bad, either way, it has touched my life in a way I have never known before. "
-A series of converstions. A chain of events. A trail of expriences-
April 20, 2004 - A series of conversation. A chain of events. A trail of experiences.
"Recently, I have been exposed to a new way of looking at things. It was not a great revelation, but it enlightens me all the same.
I am grateful for all the things that happened in my way. Starting from the moment I utter the first word in my life, till right now, this moment. The good, and the bad, I am totally thankful. Without all these things happening to me, I will not understand, I will not learn, I will not appreciate.
On my first day in kindergarden, I would not learn to mix with other kids of the neighbourhood, if my parents did not let go of their hand and push me forward into the classroom. I will not understand the meaning of secrets, until my first friend betray me with her seemingly inability to keep her mouth shut. I will not appreciate the value of friendship until the first friend that asked me how I was doing when I recovered from my sickness.
I will not learn when to say things, and when to be silent when my friends are talking, if quarrels did not exist in my life. I will not understand the power of family warmth, until I came back from my first-ever outing. I will not appreciate life, if all things are never to happen in my life.
All these said, I will not be who I am today, if it is not because of the little things that happened in my life, good AND bad. Here I am now, thanking all those who has come into my life, thanking all the little things that come my way, thanking all the big things too, and thanking all those who allow me to enter their lives.
All things are connected to one another.
Things had happened, big or small, good or bad, either way, it has touched my life in a way I have never known before. "
-A series of converstions. A chain of events. A trail of expriences-
January 20, 2006
Greed
Just when I’ve begun to settle down with my so-called ‘new’ and simple lifestyle, I met up with an old friend. After spending a few hours with him, the conversations with him reminded me of how strong-minded I was last time. It also triggered that crazy and giddy greed that once resides in me. The greed for money, status and power that monopolize my life not too long ago, is now slowly resurfacing again. I am beginning to be afraid of myself again. The evil greed that can cause me to trade time for money, friendships for status, and love for power is starting to envelope itself around my cold little heart.
I was actually thinking of returning to my religion, as someone that is devoted to having a peaceful and decent life. But then, the meeting this old friend fires up all the greed I used to harbor inside of me. The greed to be the best and most successful person is so much of a temptation that I am slowly drowned in the giddiness of pursuing it. Betrayal and lies comes together as a package. But I love it. Have I become so obsessed with the need of money, status and power that I no longer care for anything or anyone else?
To have a better lifestyle, to be able to say that I’m moving forward and having more every year, it means to have to win every rat race that is thrown to me all the time. I have to climb every ladder, every mountain that is in my path. I used to tell myself back in those days when the greed was engraved in my heart that ‘there is no where else I want to go but upwards, above everyone else’. There is no space for failure, no time to sit and wail for help. That was exactly what that has happened to me. I have fallen really hard and I have lost the will to stand up and run again. I have chosen the road of just sitting and watching others passes me by.
My dear friend, I could not express more gratitude to you for waking me up. Even though the time spent with you was short, but you have just push me back into the race of greed. It might take me some time to adjust back to the old, harsh me, but I will be back. Even though I am now only kneeling by the roadside, but I am no longer sitting down. One day I’ll be running fast, even faster than you in this rat-race. I will make my come-back so unbelievable that you would have to ‘kutow’ me. Watch out, my old friend, don’t slack in your steps else I’ll be overtaking you.
I was actually thinking of returning to my religion, as someone that is devoted to having a peaceful and decent life. But then, the meeting this old friend fires up all the greed I used to harbor inside of me. The greed to be the best and most successful person is so much of a temptation that I am slowly drowned in the giddiness of pursuing it. Betrayal and lies comes together as a package. But I love it. Have I become so obsessed with the need of money, status and power that I no longer care for anything or anyone else?
To have a better lifestyle, to be able to say that I’m moving forward and having more every year, it means to have to win every rat race that is thrown to me all the time. I have to climb every ladder, every mountain that is in my path. I used to tell myself back in those days when the greed was engraved in my heart that ‘there is no where else I want to go but upwards, above everyone else’. There is no space for failure, no time to sit and wail for help. That was exactly what that has happened to me. I have fallen really hard and I have lost the will to stand up and run again. I have chosen the road of just sitting and watching others passes me by.
My dear friend, I could not express more gratitude to you for waking me up. Even though the time spent with you was short, but you have just push me back into the race of greed. It might take me some time to adjust back to the old, harsh me, but I will be back. Even though I am now only kneeling by the roadside, but I am no longer sitting down. One day I’ll be running fast, even faster than you in this rat-race. I will make my come-back so unbelievable that you would have to ‘kutow’ me. Watch out, my old friend, don’t slack in your steps else I’ll be overtaking you.
December 13, 2005
Empty, empty...
A friend said this to me recently, "Simple and small things are enough to make a fool happy." I smiled at her and said nothing. There was a small voice inside of me saying, "If so, I'd rather be a fool, anytime."
It's been a long time since I've felt happiness in my life. There might be smiles and laughter, but after awhile, smiles are worn off, laughters dead. It might even be easier if there are reasons to cry or to complain over, but there is none. There is this phase where no feelings exist in the little cold heart of mine. Sometimes I'm not even sure whether I should call it a 'phase' I'm going through, or is it just me, someone void of all emotions, someone who keeps wanting more and more. Someone who is never satisfied with anything, who don't mind sacrificing anything just to reach my goal. Such a cold and greedy person, I am afraid of myself at times.
When I enter teenage years, I told myself, if I get myself a boyfriend, I'll be the happiest person on earth. There is nothing more that I want more, apart from getting good results and struggling to stay in the best class every year. Slowly as the years progress, I want more and more. Having a boyfriend is not enough, I want a 'better' boyfriend. Being in the best class is not enough, I want to be on the top (although I never become one, it has motivated me to go through all major exams with good results). I was never satisfied. Whenever I get the thing I want, more things will come into my 'I-need' list.
Moving on to college days, I wanted to be known, to be recognized. I went for the presidential campaign. I got it. I became the president. How do I feel? Apart from stress, nothing. I was so convinced that I will be a special person if I become president. Everyone will look up to me, people will know me, I will be the leader. And I told myself that I'll be happy. Did i feel happy? No. Do I feel that I am above anyone else? I was, for a moment, before everything collapse into normality again.
Human always want things that they couldn't have. I, for one, is the perfect example. Knowing very well that I will not be able to continue my studies overseas after my diploma, I still force my way into university application. I told myself, maybe they will offer me scholarship. Looking at my shitty result for my architecture, I'm beginning to doubt myself. What has happened to me? Why am I fighting so hard? Why does things have to be this way? Why can't I make my childhood dream come true? To be able to graduate with a degree from overseas, that was my goal eversince I was a child. Why can't I? I was in depression mode for almost a year. I blame myself for not studying hard, I blame my parents, I blame my family background, and I blame god. Now looking back, I ask myself the same question again, will I be a special person, someone above everyone else, if i manage to go overseas to complete my degree? Absolutely not.
Then again, there is my dream of traveling around the world. I told myself, if I am not able to have a degree in my hands, then at least, let me travel the world. I got the job that allows me to do just that. Travel. In the short 10 months since I've started this job, I've travelled to countless places. Most of the major cities in the world I've been. Although there are more to come, I'm no longer excited. I said to myself when I took up this job, this is not a job to be proud of, but at least, I am given the chance to travel (which at that time, I was desperate to get out of my country). People will look up to me, and listen to my stories of experiences. Will they? Even if they do, what difference will it make me as a person? Am I any special compared to the girl that goes to the office everyday 9 to 5? No doubt, my photo collections will be more extensive. But what do I gain from there? There was once, walking down the streets in Frankfurt, I ask myself, what's so special about walking on a foreign land, now that you're walking it? Nothing so special I told myself. Do I feel bubbles of happiness inside of me? No. So why am I here? Why do I want to travel in the first place?
I guess it is my nature that whatever things that seems impossible or hard to get, I want it. But when I get it, I forgot the first reason why I wanted it in the first place. Maybe that is the reason why I can never be happy or sad about anything. To me, everything is a race, a competition. There's always something to fight for, something you'd die for, but for what reason, I don't know. All I know is I have to keep on fighting, keep on wanting in order to continue giving myself that one second spark of fireworks in my cold heart. Else, my life will be empty.
Very, very empty indeed.
It's been a long time since I've felt happiness in my life. There might be smiles and laughter, but after awhile, smiles are worn off, laughters dead. It might even be easier if there are reasons to cry or to complain over, but there is none. There is this phase where no feelings exist in the little cold heart of mine. Sometimes I'm not even sure whether I should call it a 'phase' I'm going through, or is it just me, someone void of all emotions, someone who keeps wanting more and more. Someone who is never satisfied with anything, who don't mind sacrificing anything just to reach my goal. Such a cold and greedy person, I am afraid of myself at times.
When I enter teenage years, I told myself, if I get myself a boyfriend, I'll be the happiest person on earth. There is nothing more that I want more, apart from getting good results and struggling to stay in the best class every year. Slowly as the years progress, I want more and more. Having a boyfriend is not enough, I want a 'better' boyfriend. Being in the best class is not enough, I want to be on the top (although I never become one, it has motivated me to go through all major exams with good results). I was never satisfied. Whenever I get the thing I want, more things will come into my 'I-need' list.
Moving on to college days, I wanted to be known, to be recognized. I went for the presidential campaign. I got it. I became the president. How do I feel? Apart from stress, nothing. I was so convinced that I will be a special person if I become president. Everyone will look up to me, people will know me, I will be the leader. And I told myself that I'll be happy. Did i feel happy? No. Do I feel that I am above anyone else? I was, for a moment, before everything collapse into normality again.
Human always want things that they couldn't have. I, for one, is the perfect example. Knowing very well that I will not be able to continue my studies overseas after my diploma, I still force my way into university application. I told myself, maybe they will offer me scholarship. Looking at my shitty result for my architecture, I'm beginning to doubt myself. What has happened to me? Why am I fighting so hard? Why does things have to be this way? Why can't I make my childhood dream come true? To be able to graduate with a degree from overseas, that was my goal eversince I was a child. Why can't I? I was in depression mode for almost a year. I blame myself for not studying hard, I blame my parents, I blame my family background, and I blame god. Now looking back, I ask myself the same question again, will I be a special person, someone above everyone else, if i manage to go overseas to complete my degree? Absolutely not.
Then again, there is my dream of traveling around the world. I told myself, if I am not able to have a degree in my hands, then at least, let me travel the world. I got the job that allows me to do just that. Travel. In the short 10 months since I've started this job, I've travelled to countless places. Most of the major cities in the world I've been. Although there are more to come, I'm no longer excited. I said to myself when I took up this job, this is not a job to be proud of, but at least, I am given the chance to travel (which at that time, I was desperate to get out of my country). People will look up to me, and listen to my stories of experiences. Will they? Even if they do, what difference will it make me as a person? Am I any special compared to the girl that goes to the office everyday 9 to 5? No doubt, my photo collections will be more extensive. But what do I gain from there? There was once, walking down the streets in Frankfurt, I ask myself, what's so special about walking on a foreign land, now that you're walking it? Nothing so special I told myself. Do I feel bubbles of happiness inside of me? No. So why am I here? Why do I want to travel in the first place?
I guess it is my nature that whatever things that seems impossible or hard to get, I want it. But when I get it, I forgot the first reason why I wanted it in the first place. Maybe that is the reason why I can never be happy or sad about anything. To me, everything is a race, a competition. There's always something to fight for, something you'd die for, but for what reason, I don't know. All I know is I have to keep on fighting, keep on wanting in order to continue giving myself that one second spark of fireworks in my cold heart. Else, my life will be empty.
Very, very empty indeed.
October 13, 2005
If Only
If only…
When I was 5,
If only I have walked slower on the way home, my grandfather would not have to run after me by the roadside everyday.
When I was 7,
If only I know the meaning of friendship, I would not have lost one of my best childhood friends.
When I was 8,
If only grandfather did not die, I would have more fond memories of him tricking me into doing silly things.
When I was 11,
If only I had made myself look better, I would have gotten more friends.
When I was 13,
If only I am a little bit more sensitive, I would know that grandmother is suffering, and she wouldn’t die.
When I was 14,
If only I have been a better sister, guiding and encouraging my brother, he would not be doing the things he’s doing right now.
When I was 15,
If only I know that gossips exists behind my back, tears of betrayal could have been avoided and I do not have to harbor so much anger.
When I was 16,
If only I did not succumb to pressure of my peers, I would not get myself a boyfriend.
When I was 17,
If only I have studied a little bit more, I would have gotten 10 straight As instead of 7As.
When I was 18,
If only I am a little friendlier in college, I wouldn’t end up alone during lunch break everyday.
If only I have not cried homesick during my first semester away from home, my parents would not bring their company back to KL, and that disaster would not happened and I would have been able to study abroad.
If only I have been a better daughter, my parents do not have to worry about me so much.
If only I have chose the correct subjects and study harder, I could get a scholarship to Canada.
When I was 19,
If only I have not taken architecture, I don’t have to suffer endless nights of staying awake trying hard to complete the assignment.
If only I have not run for the president’s post, I would not become a president, and the responsibility will not take away my pride and friends.
If only I am not an architecture student, not a president for the student council, I would have more time to support my family morally and financially during the worst financial crisis that even happen to us.
If only I not so selfish, I do not have to hurt three guys in six months’ time.
When I was 20,
If only I have paid more attention in class, tried harder in designing, I might be able to get a better crit to help in my portfolio.
If only I could accept the fact that I am not able to continue my studies, I would not be depressed for the whole year, trying hard to achieve the unachievable.
Now I am 21,
If only I did not take up this job, I do not have to be scolded at least two to three times a week.
If only I could find someone or something that could turn back time, I would do everything right, once again.
If I am given a second chance, I am willing to sell my soul to the devil.
When I was 5,
If only I have walked slower on the way home, my grandfather would not have to run after me by the roadside everyday.
When I was 7,
If only I know the meaning of friendship, I would not have lost one of my best childhood friends.
When I was 8,
If only grandfather did not die, I would have more fond memories of him tricking me into doing silly things.
When I was 11,
If only I had made myself look better, I would have gotten more friends.
When I was 13,
If only I am a little bit more sensitive, I would know that grandmother is suffering, and she wouldn’t die.
When I was 14,
If only I have been a better sister, guiding and encouraging my brother, he would not be doing the things he’s doing right now.
When I was 15,
If only I know that gossips exists behind my back, tears of betrayal could have been avoided and I do not have to harbor so much anger.
When I was 16,
If only I did not succumb to pressure of my peers, I would not get myself a boyfriend.
When I was 17,
If only I have studied a little bit more, I would have gotten 10 straight As instead of 7As.
When I was 18,
If only I am a little friendlier in college, I wouldn’t end up alone during lunch break everyday.
If only I have not cried homesick during my first semester away from home, my parents would not bring their company back to KL, and that disaster would not happened and I would have been able to study abroad.
If only I have been a better daughter, my parents do not have to worry about me so much.
If only I have chose the correct subjects and study harder, I could get a scholarship to Canada.
When I was 19,
If only I have not taken architecture, I don’t have to suffer endless nights of staying awake trying hard to complete the assignment.
If only I have not run for the president’s post, I would not become a president, and the responsibility will not take away my pride and friends.
If only I am not an architecture student, not a president for the student council, I would have more time to support my family morally and financially during the worst financial crisis that even happen to us.
If only I not so selfish, I do not have to hurt three guys in six months’ time.
When I was 20,
If only I have paid more attention in class, tried harder in designing, I might be able to get a better crit to help in my portfolio.
If only I could accept the fact that I am not able to continue my studies, I would not be depressed for the whole year, trying hard to achieve the unachievable.
Now I am 21,
If only I did not take up this job, I do not have to be scolded at least two to three times a week.
If only I could find someone or something that could turn back time, I would do everything right, once again.
If I am given a second chance, I am willing to sell my soul to the devil.
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