The Biggest Lie

I'm the biggest liar in the face of this earth, and the person I lie to, is myself. Every morning I wake up and I tell myself, everything is good, everything is ok, even when my heart is telling me otherwise.

I have a job that is envied by lots of people. But so what? It's not something I've wanted. It's not who I wanted to be. It's not who I am. But I went on and tell myself that I love this job. I love the travels, the perks and everything about it. I love doing nothing on most of my days. I lied to myself, and the people around me. Deep down, I am trying so hard to conceal who I really am, who I really want to be.

Not that I didn't try to break free. I took a few steps, met a few deadends, and I stopped and whine. Saying things like, heaven is not on my side, why should I force my way through? No matter how hard I try, I'm still going to fall, going to get hurt and disappointed. So why bother at all? Why don't I just wallow in self pity and never get up? That was exactly what I did. I lied to myself.

Mentally I have given up everything of who I used to be. I don't want to turn back now, I lied to myself again and again. My current life is great, it's what I really wanted after all. But do I? Do I really? Yes, I heard myself lying again.

I've failed myself and my dreams over and over again. I shall never pick myself up again.

Mum and dad, I'm trying my best, but I've failed myself as a person. I'm sorry.