A friend said this to me recently, "Simple and small things are enough to make a fool happy." I smiled at her and said nothing. There was a small voice inside of me saying, "If so, I'd rather be a fool, anytime."
It's been a long time since I've felt happiness in my life. There might be smiles and laughter, but after awhile, smiles are worn off, laughters dead. It might even be easier if there are reasons to cry or to complain over, but there is none. There is this phase where no feelings exist in the little cold heart of mine. Sometimes I'm not even sure whether I should call it a 'phase' I'm going through, or is it just me, someone void of all emotions, someone who keeps wanting more and more. Someone who is never satisfied with anything, who don't mind sacrificing anything just to reach my goal. Such a cold and greedy person, I am afraid of myself at times.
When I enter teenage years, I told myself, if I get myself a boyfriend, I'll be the happiest person on earth. There is nothing more that I want more, apart from getting good results and struggling to stay in the best class every year. Slowly as the years progress, I want more and more. Having a boyfriend is not enough, I want a 'better' boyfriend. Being in the best class is not enough, I want to be on the top (although I never become one, it has motivated me to go through all major exams with good results). I was never satisfied. Whenever I get the thing I want, more things will come into my 'I-need' list.
Moving on to college days, I wanted to be known, to be recognized. I went for the presidential campaign. I got it. I became the president. How do I feel? Apart from stress, nothing. I was so convinced that I will be a special person if I become president. Everyone will look up to me, people will know me, I will be the leader. And I told myself that I'll be happy. Did i feel happy? No. Do I feel that I am above anyone else? I was, for a moment, before everything collapse into normality again.
Human always want things that they couldn't have. I, for one, is the perfect example. Knowing very well that I will not be able to continue my studies overseas after my diploma, I still force my way into university application. I told myself, maybe they will offer me scholarship. Looking at my shitty result for my architecture, I'm beginning to doubt myself. What has happened to me? Why am I fighting so hard? Why does things have to be this way? Why can't I make my childhood dream come true? To be able to graduate with a degree from overseas, that was my goal eversince I was a child. Why can't I? I was in depression mode for almost a year. I blame myself for not studying hard, I blame my parents, I blame my family background, and I blame god. Now looking back, I ask myself the same question again, will I be a special person, someone above everyone else, if i manage to go overseas to complete my degree? Absolutely not.
Then again, there is my dream of traveling around the world. I told myself, if I am not able to have a degree in my hands, then at least, let me travel the world. I got the job that allows me to do just that. Travel. In the short 10 months since I've started this job, I've travelled to countless places. Most of the major cities in the world I've been. Although there are more to come, I'm no longer excited. I said to myself when I took up this job, this is not a job to be proud of, but at least, I am given the chance to travel (which at that time, I was desperate to get out of my country). People will look up to me, and listen to my stories of experiences. Will they? Even if they do, what difference will it make me as a person? Am I any special compared to the girl that goes to the office everyday 9 to 5? No doubt, my photo collections will be more extensive. But what do I gain from there? There was once, walking down the streets in Frankfurt, I ask myself, what's so special about walking on a foreign land, now that you're walking it? Nothing so special I told myself. Do I feel bubbles of happiness inside of me? No. So why am I here? Why do I want to travel in the first place?
I guess it is my nature that whatever things that seems impossible or hard to get, I want it. But when I get it, I forgot the first reason why I wanted it in the first place. Maybe that is the reason why I can never be happy or sad about anything. To me, everything is a race, a competition. There's always something to fight for, something you'd die for, but for what reason, I don't know. All I know is I have to keep on fighting, keep on wanting in order to continue giving myself that one second spark of fireworks in my cold heart. Else, my life will be empty.
Very, very empty indeed.
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