It's time to wake up

"When the going gets tough, the tough gets going"

Such cliched phrase, yet it has its own truth.

I have been living in the past for too long. Every time I met someone that does not belong to my current lifestyle, I get that all too familiar feeling. "The good old times", that's what I say, all the time.

I realize it's no use dreaming about the past, about how good it was, about how badly I wanted to go back to the world that I fit into. Where I was the winner, not someone who is struggling in another world. Oh god, how long has it been since I felt good about myself?

I have been depressed, sad and beaten for the longest time... about three years and a half years since the first wave of depression hit me.

Now I tell myself, it's time to wake up. Get on with life and stop whining about how unfair fate is treating me. Now I will pave my own way and I will end up where I belong, once again. This time no matter how hard I fall, I will climb back up again, because I want to be there. I will be there.

Wish me luck!

Now now.. I know most of you are saying, FINALLY!!

All I want is, EVERYTHING

Sometimes I realize that i have been asking too much from life.

Just today i was in MPH scouting for some books, then my eyes fell upon this wonderful book, titled "All i want is, EVERYTHING." But of course, I didn't buy the book (I didn't even lift the book up to read what it is all about). I don't think I need the book to remind me just how greedy I am.

Sometimes I just wonder whether I've wondered too much. I think too much about life. I ask too much from life. I want too many things that are unreachable. I basically am too absorbed in my own 'wants', too full of myself, that the world has to revolve around me. Great revelation, huh?

Not that I feel bad about it. But at times I do feel frustrated for not having what I want. Then again, this is being human, right? Not?

Do I really have to lower my expectation just to be happier in life? Do I really have to give up my dreams just because I am no exception in this human race? Why am I crying most of the time thinking that my life is just not good enough, that my life is just not moving forward? Everywhere I look is dead-end. No light at the end of the tunnel. Or maybe I just choose not to see it.

Haven't I got a job that allows me to travel the world? And get paid well for it? Haven't I have great friends that I can call my support group if I'm not happy? Haven't I have a supportive family that allows me to do whatever I chose to? Am I not much luckier than most people in this world who has to worry about their next meal? Then why the hell am I complaining so much about my life? Why the f** am I so unhappy and unsatisfied about my job?

I hate being in the condition that I am right now. An old friend that I met up with last nite said that I am no longer the girl he used to know. Where is she anyway? I am asking myself the same question. I've turned into someone who is needy, desperate and pathetic. Someone who desperately need something or someone to cling on just to survive. Lost my identity. Where is a.l.i.c.e? Where the hell is she?

I am so pathetic.

*llorar*

Roma @ Italia

I came back from Rome about 24hours ago, and I still am not able to shake off that feeling of awe that I have been to Rome. I mean, it's my dream destination (apart from Spain), and I was there!

***

Rome, when it's mentioned, a romantic city, filled with wonders in architecture and art will come to mind. It need not be explained further. Walking through narrow passages with three to four stories tall building built closely together, taking in the smell of freshly brewed coffee, or just licking away to heart's content a huge cone of gelato, it is Italy we are talking about.

On a lazy summer day, with pigeons everywhere in the square, people enjoying the fine weather sipping coffee outdoors, street-musicians filling the air with sweet music, artists showing off their skills in paintings, sketches, waters sprung out from fountains under the sun that makes it look like gleaming crystals in the air, what more could you ask for from this beautiful city?

***


Pantheon, an architecture marvel, such huge dome built almost 2000 years ago (although the hole in the centre still makes me wonder about what happens on rainy days), it is a marvelous experience to be in such significant symbol of Roman architecture. I tried taking pictures of the hole and the dome, but the huge scale just does not permit the whole building to be captured into one single shot on my camera. I felt honored to be there, to touch and experience something that is so old, so solid, so prominent in history.

***

Trevi Fountain. The place where it is famous for making a wish and throwing a coin into it. I made a wish and threw a coin. I do hope that wish comes true. What that wish is? I'm keeping it a secret.

The day that I arrived in Rome, it was a Easter Sunday. Imagine the crowd in the whole city. Although Trevi Fountain is famous for being crowded everyday for the whole year, but I was just seeing humans and humans everywhere. It was so packed, we have to seize the split second opportunity to just stand next to the fountain to make a quick wish and throw a coin. Funny sight it has been.

***

Spanish steps. Although I am not too sure what is so special about this, but I went there anyway. Apparently it was a beautiful steps especially if viewed during sunset. I felt sorry that I could not appreciate the beauty, one because I know nothing about the history, two because it was so bloody crowded with people and three, because I was not there during sunset.

***

Vatican city. Need I say more? It's Easter. It's holiday. It's crowded. I mean, there's not much space to offer, being the smallest independent state in the world. Took photos from outside of the building and had a splendid dinner around that area. I wanted to enter to be blessed by Pope and join in the communion, but the queue was just way too long, I gave up (don't have much time to spare anyway, have to rush off to Coleseum).

***

Coleseum. Picture Gladiator and it's glorious entry into the place.
Picture Coleseum again. There you have it. Despite it being in ruins, it is still standing proud. I can just feel the strong vibe that it is giving as I walked around it. A very proud Roman building indeed. I passed by the Coleseum on my second night on the way back to the hotel, the whole place was lighted up, and it was simply breath-taking. Forget about the bits and parts that has fallen down, it is telling a story of its own, fighting against time, against modernization.

***

The Leaning Tower of Pisa. The most important building on my must-see list. It took me 3 hours to get there by train and the train fare is sky high. But it was worth the pains of waking up 6am in the morning, sitting on an uncomfortable seat for 3 hours and almost emptying my bank account for the train ticket.

When I was there, all things were forgotten, it was just Pisa and I. Despite it being a bell tower, not a huge one, but it just gives off this feeling of awe, of wonder, of marvel. You just feel like sitting down on the grass, looking at it. Simply beautiful. It is funny how some things has the ability to move your heart, to shake your senses. Just like looking at a beautiful painting, this small petite tower will make your eyes glued to it, never leaving sight of it.

A friend of mine jokingly said that we are just wondering at human errors. The building is not meant to be leaning sideways anyway. If it was a normal bell tower, not leaning whatsoever, I doubt it will be as famous as it is today. Nevertheless, I spent the whole day there, just drinking in the wonderful Pisa Tower.

***

Food is good as well. I don't remember eating and drinking so much for the past few months as I did in Rome. Brioche (crossiants), cappucinos, wines, latte, pastas, pizzas, gelatos, you name it, I tasted it. Even the McToast in McDonalds for breakfast is fantastic. Well, I was just plain stuffing myself silly.

***

Loved every moment in Rome, I don't mind going back there again, just to enrich my experience in one of the world's richest city in history and architecture.

April?

I can't believe it! A quarter of the year has passed and I have not even noticed? Goodness gracious, life certainly has been eventful and busy this year. I can't say that I have complains. Things has been doing fine and I hope it's all the same for everyone.

Just went to Seoul few days ago for the third time. This time I brought my camera with me, but too bad, I was in the mood for shopping and plus, I went alone. So all the photos does not have me in it. I guess it's just my luck with Seoul that I will not be able to take 'proper' photos. Haha.

Recently I have been using my brain a little bit too much. Makes me think too much about my present condition in life (not that I ever stopped thinking about it). But it's starting to make me feel so sick and stressed out whenever I think about it. I envied my friends who are still going strong in architecture (gambate guys!) and those who graduated with degree just few months back and are taking their first steps in prestigious firms in the field they've studied. Plus those who are following their heart's passion, I wish I can lay down all my burden and responsibilities and be reckless for once, doing the thing that I have always wanted to do - after all, we only live once (what was my passion again? - I guess I've forgotten - too engrossed with money-making till my passion has been buried deep down - sigh).

I think that is enough reflection for the first quarter of the year. Bet there's more to come till I've sorted out this muddled heart of mine (that'll be the day I die - haha).

Johannesburg

I just realised that I promised to upload my Johannesburg photos in my previous post. So here goes, not that it's really impressive because all I saw in the safari was elephant backside, giraffe backside, some funny looking animal's backside. Basically, it's a animal-backside educational tour for me. Why did I only get the backside's view? Ask those bloody animals... the moment they see a car approaching, either they run away (which gives you their backside's view) or their back are facing the road (that's why they are not running away, they don't know we're behind them) so all I see is their backside. Get my point here?

Anyway, I'm not bothered about those animal because all I want to see are lions and tigers. So I went "lion, lion, Lion, LiOn, LION, LION!" for a few hours till my voice died on me. And still, I don't see lion. Then I went, "tiger, tiger..." but still no tiger. At the end of the day, after the sun sets, I was really really hungry for some lion. But no lion. No tiger. Such disappointment. You can't even imagine how low i felt. So we left Pilanesburg and drove back to the city. Which was all for my first ever south-african trip.

But on my first night in Johannesburg, I had this really huge lamb shank for dinner. That bone was huge! Picture Flinstone and my lamb shank. *angelicwitch nods... Yess.. It's huge. I bet if I take that bone and threw it out on the street, the lions will come after it. Why didn't I thought of keeping that bone for my safari trip the next day, I wonder.


I don't mind going back to South Africa for the second time, but if I ever go on a safari trip, there better be lions around (either that or I pack myself a bunch of bones from dinner).

UPdates

I know I know..

I have been missing from the IT world for quite sometime now.. Life has been so busy, I don't even know where to begin.

First of all, I lost my old housekeys.. I wonder what happened to it.. because it just went, 'missing!!' And because of the keys, some complications arised in my workplace, which kinda sucks because everything seems to be going to smoothly in my job then this incident screws it up.

After that, I moved to a new place, with two of my friends. Which was all well, but the cleaning up and trying to organise all my stuff in my room really tires me. Plus the fact that I have never been really a neat person really helps. Being away from singapore most of the time is another factor.

Other than that, life has been good, smooth flowing in fact. Nothing much I can complain about. I went back KL last week for 2 days, and catching up with my family and friends really helped me clear up my messed up mind a little. Just some time away from work and stress is good at times. Oh, and I love my new baby!! Vios 1.5E, it's purrs... I know it's nothing to some of you, but it's my very, very ,very ,very own first car. Bought it, loving it! Hahaha.. Those of you who are back the same time I'm back in KL time, I promise I'll be the driver provided you pay for the petrol :P

Apart from this, I finally have the chance to go to south africa, johannesburg. It is a beautiful place, but a tad dangerous I think. When I have the time and when my PC is discharged from the hospital I will upload all the photos of the safari trip I had.

Enough of UPdates from me. Till next time. Muaks.

Because of you...

I will not make the same mistakes that you did

I will not let myself

Cause my heart so much misery

I will not break the way you did,

You fell so hard

I've learned the hard way

To never let it get that far

Because of you

I never stray too far from the sidewalk

Because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt

Because of you I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me

Because of you I am afraid

I lose my way

And it's not too long before you point it out

I cannot cry

Because I know that's weakness in your eyes

I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh everyday of my life

My heart can't possibly break

When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you I try my hardest just to forget everything

Because of you I don't know how to let anyone else in

Because of you I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty

Because of you, I am afraid...

A series of conversations. A chain of events. A trail of experiences.

I was digging up some old entries that I wrote few years back in my old website, when I come upon one article that once, used to mean a lot to me. So here I am now, trying to revive the revelation I have found when creating this once new post.

April 20, 2004 - A series of conversation. A chain of events. A trail of experiences.

"Recently, I have been exposed to a new way of looking at things. It was not a great revelation, but it enlightens me all the same.

I am grateful for all the things that happened in my way. Starting from the moment I utter the first word in my life, till right now, this moment. The good, and the bad, I am totally thankful. Without all these things happening to me, I will not understand, I will not learn, I will not appreciate.

On my first day in kindergarden, I would not learn to mix with other kids of the neighbourhood, if my parents did not let go of their hand and push me forward into the classroom. I will not understand the meaning of secrets, until my first friend betray me with her seemingly inability to keep her mouth shut. I will not appreciate the value of friendship until the first friend that asked me how I was doing when I recovered from my sickness.

I will not learn when to say things, and when to be silent when my friends are talking, if quarrels did not exist in my life. I will not understand the power of family warmth, until I came back from my first-ever outing. I will not appreciate life, if all things are never to happen in my life.
All these said, I will not be who I am today, if it is not because of the little things that happened in my life, good AND bad. Here I am now, thanking all those who has come into my life, thanking all the little things that come my way, thanking all the big things too, and thanking all those who allow me to enter their lives.

All things are connected to one another.

Things had happened, big or small, good or bad, either way, it has touched my life in a way I have never known before. "

-A series of converstions. A chain of events. A trail of expriences-