If Only

If only…

When I was 5,
If only I have walked slower on the way home, my grandfather would not have to run after me by the roadside everyday.
When I was 7,
If only I know the meaning of friendship, I would not have lost one of my best childhood friends.
When I was 8,
If only grandfather did not die, I would have more fond memories of him tricking me into doing silly things.
When I was 11,
If only I had made myself look better, I would have gotten more friends.
When I was 13,
If only I am a little bit more sensitive, I would know that grandmother is suffering, and she wouldn’t die.
When I was 14,
If only I have been a better sister, guiding and encouraging my brother, he would not be doing the things he’s doing right now.
When I was 15,
If only I know that gossips exists behind my back, tears of betrayal could have been avoided and I do not have to harbor so much anger.
When I was 16,
If only I did not succumb to pressure of my peers, I would not get myself a boyfriend.
When I was 17,
If only I have studied a little bit more, I would have gotten 10 straight As instead of 7As.
When I was 18,
If only I am a little friendlier in college, I wouldn’t end up alone during lunch break everyday.
If only I have not cried homesick during my first semester away from home, my parents would not bring their company back to KL, and that disaster would not happened and I would have been able to study abroad.
If only I have been a better daughter, my parents do not have to worry about me so much.
If only I have chose the correct subjects and study harder, I could get a scholarship to Canada.
When I was 19,
If only I have not taken architecture, I don’t have to suffer endless nights of staying awake trying hard to complete the assignment.
If only I have not run for the president’s post, I would not become a president, and the responsibility will not take away my pride and friends.
If only I am not an architecture student, not a president for the student council, I would have more time to support my family morally and financially during the worst financial crisis that even happen to us.
If only I not so selfish, I do not have to hurt three guys in six months’ time.
When I was 20,
If only I have paid more attention in class, tried harder in designing, I might be able to get a better crit to help in my portfolio.
If only I could accept the fact that I am not able to continue my studies, I would not be depressed for the whole year, trying hard to achieve the unachievable.
Now I am 21,
If only I did not take up this job, I do not have to be scolded at least two to three times a week.
If only I could find someone or something that could turn back time, I would do everything right, once again.
If I am given a second chance, I am willing to sell my soul to the devil.