Empty, empty...

A friend said this to me recently, "Simple and small things are enough to make a fool happy." I smiled at her and said nothing. There was a small voice inside of me saying, "If so, I'd rather be a fool, anytime."

It's been a long time since I've felt happiness in my life. There might be smiles and laughter, but after awhile, smiles are worn off, laughters dead. It might even be easier if there are reasons to cry or to complain over, but there is none. There is this phase where no feelings exist in the little cold heart of mine. Sometimes I'm not even sure whether I should call it a 'phase' I'm going through, or is it just me, someone void of all emotions, someone who keeps wanting more and more. Someone who is never satisfied with anything, who don't mind sacrificing anything just to reach my goal. Such a cold and greedy person, I am afraid of myself at times.

When I enter teenage years, I told myself, if I get myself a boyfriend, I'll be the happiest person on earth. There is nothing more that I want more, apart from getting good results and struggling to stay in the best class every year. Slowly as the years progress, I want more and more. Having a boyfriend is not enough, I want a 'better' boyfriend. Being in the best class is not enough, I want to be on the top (although I never become one, it has motivated me to go through all major exams with good results). I was never satisfied. Whenever I get the thing I want, more things will come into my 'I-need' list.

Moving on to college days, I wanted to be known, to be recognized. I went for the presidential campaign. I got it. I became the president. How do I feel? Apart from stress, nothing. I was so convinced that I will be a special person if I become president. Everyone will look up to me, people will know me, I will be the leader. And I told myself that I'll be happy. Did i feel happy? No. Do I feel that I am above anyone else? I was, for a moment, before everything collapse into normality again.

Human always want things that they couldn't have. I, for one, is the perfect example. Knowing very well that I will not be able to continue my studies overseas after my diploma, I still force my way into university application. I told myself, maybe they will offer me scholarship. Looking at my shitty result for my architecture, I'm beginning to doubt myself. What has happened to me? Why am I fighting so hard? Why does things have to be this way? Why can't I make my childhood dream come true? To be able to graduate with a degree from overseas, that was my goal eversince I was a child. Why can't I? I was in depression mode for almost a year. I blame myself for not studying hard, I blame my parents, I blame my family background, and I blame god. Now looking back, I ask myself the same question again, will I be a special person, someone above everyone else, if i manage to go overseas to complete my degree? Absolutely not.

Then again, there is my dream of traveling around the world. I told myself, if I am not able to have a degree in my hands, then at least, let me travel the world. I got the job that allows me to do just that. Travel. In the short 10 months since I've started this job, I've travelled to countless places. Most of the major cities in the world I've been. Although there are more to come, I'm no longer excited. I said to myself when I took up this job, this is not a job to be proud of, but at least, I am given the chance to travel (which at that time, I was desperate to get out of my country). People will look up to me, and listen to my stories of experiences. Will they? Even if they do, what difference will it make me as a person? Am I any special compared to the girl that goes to the office everyday 9 to 5? No doubt, my photo collections will be more extensive. But what do I gain from there? There was once, walking down the streets in Frankfurt, I ask myself, what's so special about walking on a foreign land, now that you're walking it? Nothing so special I told myself. Do I feel bubbles of happiness inside of me? No. So why am I here? Why do I want to travel in the first place?

I guess it is my nature that whatever things that seems impossible or hard to get, I want it. But when I get it, I forgot the first reason why I wanted it in the first place. Maybe that is the reason why I can never be happy or sad about anything. To me, everything is a race, a competition. There's always something to fight for, something you'd die for, but for what reason, I don't know. All I know is I have to keep on fighting, keep on wanting in order to continue giving myself that one second spark of fireworks in my cold heart. Else, my life will be empty.

Very, very empty indeed.

Miss y'all!

It was great being back in KL, although only for 3 days.

The event that is worth remembering is the gathering with my architecture friends. It might not be so long ago that we had a gathering, but it still feel great.

This time round, the main topic of our conversation is about our new jobs. Everyone has landed themselves a job in an architecture/design firm. Everyone is excitedly talking about the projects they are working about. (And also complaining about the pay difference.. haha)

There was a time what we talked about was which universities we're applying into, how long are we going to stay there, how are our packings progressing.


I wonder what will we talk about when we meet up four years later in KL tower? 31 DEC 2009, don't forget!! (Maybe about Min Sean's wedding and Jet having kids.. haha)

New York

My first trip to New York.


I didn't bother to go to Ground Zero, or take a cruise to Statue of Liberty. I spent my whole trip in Fifth Avenue and Times Square. Shopping. Fun?

Frustrated

The first time I went to Seoul was the first ever trip out of Singapore. My first ever flight. So, it is only natural that I am so nervous about the trip that I didn't manage to take any photos.

Nevermind about that first time, I'm going to Seoul for the second time!

Ever happily, I charged my camera's battery before leaving for this beautiful country, thinking of all the beautiful sceneries that I can photograph.

When I arrive in Seoul, and all set to sight-see and have a cosy lunch and dinner of kimchi, I took out my camera to start photograhing. Only then I realised that I left my battery at home in Singapore!

Frustrated, I spent the whole day shopping and eating!

Oh well, I guess there's always the third time... :P

The answer to the picture I've put up in my previous blog, is Eiffel Tower, Paris. :o)

Photographs

On a visit to my friend's house, she showed me photos taken by her friend, who is interested in photography. When I went to his website, I am really impressed. For a guy his age, he can do really well. My crappy pictures can be dumped into the bin. Haha. You can have a look at his site at http://why.smugmug.com

Oh, yes, after looking at his portfolio, I've decided to post my best picture to date, haha.. just to amuse and embarrass myself. Try to guess where is this taken. Hint: I have a date with Mona Lisa.

Raining

It has been raining for the past 24hours. The sky is so grey, I don't feel like waking up. Truth be said, I have been sleeping for 12 hours straight and not being able to wake up :P too tired I guess.

Waking up at 4AM on a rainy morning reminds me of those good old days in high school where I have to stay awake the whole night just to finish doing my revision (not that those revision goes into my head). The memory channels especially towards end of year 2001, when I was sitting for my SPM. It was raining non-stop that time too. The fresh breeze, the clear morning air, the sound of raindrops, the feeling that I'm the only awake at this time of the day is too familiar.

I longed to return to school, back to studies again. But, will I be able to do that?

Perth 191105

Really, sometimes I'm lost for words to describe my trips. This is my first time to Perth, and I'm glad that I managed to meet up with a few of my high school best friends. But the car ride given by Fiona caused Rowena and I headache the rest of the day after that.. haha..

It was really nice, gathering with old friends, and talking about the good old times. The silly things we used to do back in school, and the catching up of who is where, doing what. The impression that Perth has given me, is that half of Kuching's population is there. Everyone is there. Knowing myself, I couldn't stop myself from those juicy gossips of who is getting married, who is going out with who, who is graduating with a degree, who is already working, and who is entering Uni next year (*wink at Rowena). Haha..

Whose boyfriend is this? :P

The real shock was someone a few years senior of us is already married. Well, after passing the initial shock, I guess five years down the road it will be our turn (not me though). And yes, our Europe trip is drawing nearer and nearer, I can't believe that it was four years ago that we made that promise.

But I'm really glad that I'm in Perth, although for that short 24 hours, it seems to me that we didn't run out of things to gossip about, which is a good thing. The thought of us not finding a common ground after four years is banished. Take care, keep in touch, and hope to see you again soon!

Tokyo and DisneySea

Picture says a thousand words...