Maybe I am born a sad person. Maybe I'm just plain too hard to please. Regardless of the situations, the circumstances, I can never be happy (at least, not for long).
I thought I could be happy doing this, but I am not.
I thought I could be happy doing that, but I am not.
I thought I could be happy not doing anything, but I am not.
I thought I could be happy doing everything, but I am not.
What is wrong with me? Why do I feel sad no matter what? Why do I feel down ALL the time? There must be a huge problem somewhere that I don't know about.
I remember I posted something regarding 'only fools can be happy with little things.' And I remember saying that I'd rather be a fool.
Today, I'd say the same thing over again. I'd rather be a fool if I can be happy. I would give up everything just to have the ability to laugh at little things. To laugh at mistakes. To laugh at silliness. To laugh at everything around me. To stop pretending high and mighty. To crush down my stupid pride and ego. To be able to feel love. To be free.
I also remember praying really hard for my heart to stop feeling. My prayer is half answered. I stop feeling happiness, but the sadness is holding a prominent place in my heart.
It's not as though my world is crumbling down around me. In fact, it is actually moving upwards. I should be feeling happy about it, but I am not.
I used to have a phobia of being alone. Of having meals alone. Of going out shopping on my own. Of not having anyone to talk to. So I strived at conquering this fear, with the saying 'you don't have to be lonely being alone, you might be lonely when you're in a crowd' held close to my heart. And I succeeded, but I was never happy.
Around me, there is always an aura of sadness surrounding me. I will never be happy unless I am able to tear away from the sadness, but will I be able to?
All I want is to be happy, but I do not have the eyes to see the opportunities. Will someone be my eyes?
2 comments:
I believe this is a life process as we move on, you're not alone. human are hard to please as we always wants more. whatever is past, let it be a lesson, let it be good memories.. whatever that begin, appreciate the good things that are happening to you, feeling good about who you are and where you are in life; give sadness a break, and be a happy person! and from that point, you will seeing new hopes and blessings you deserve.
guess that's what happen on my blogpost all the time ? sometimes i got better letting it out alone in my blog. sometimes, it's better after a sleep.
sometimes a song lyrics. sometimes a sentence that inspired me. or sometimes it's the wind that awaken me.
maybe u should go for a walk and get a breath of fresh air.
no worries, i'm sure u'll be back!
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